Light

I'm the juggler of full plates, "yes, I can do that today", over-achieving, try-anything-once kind of mess your mother warned you about.

I've broken laws and commandments.

I wrestle with anger, money problems, and cravings for Cinnabon cinnamon rolls.

I'm a shattered mess of a thousand broken pieces, and that's just where God wants me.

Let me explain:

I grew up learning church songs like "This Little Light of Mine" and  "Jesus Wants me for a Sunbeam" and hearing scripture like Matthew 5:13-16...

You’re here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We’re going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don’t think I’m going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I’m putting you on a light stand. Now that I’ve put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine!

I assumed, as any over-achieving mess would - that my light was to be the single most bright and beautiful beam around.

But then it would happen. You know...it.  

[Insert your own problems, trials, addictions, struggles, fears here]

My bright and beautiful beam would fade, flicker, then go out all together.

So, I struggled with this beam image until one day as I was helping my son, Pike with his history homework. He was learning about the Hagia Sofia in Turkey. It is a beautiful church turned mosque turned museum and an architectural marvel filled with tile mosaics. At one point in history, the interior featured over 30 million tiny gold tiles and get this: they were broken and placed crooked in the grout so as to reflect the sun.

Millions of pieces shining off each other to fill the space with soft, radiant light.

One, harsh beam that blinds and is easily extinguished.  

Oh. I see. 

Lord, that you could take my broken pieces and form a beautiful mosaic - tilted and placed so as to shine with and for the other broken people around me. That together, we could reflect your light and fill this world with its soft, radiant glow. Amen

Small Voice. Big Life.

Bombastic
Obstreperous
Fustian

Well, thank you. Those are some mighty pretty words about me. Some spoken in jest (wink, wink) and some spoken brazenly into my face.

Then I wiki-ed the list. You should too. Go on, I'll be here when you get back.



I know, right?! So not cool. I mean, I had my theology nailed and salvation message recited. I could share with you the ways God Himself had saved me over and over, and I'd beat you with my Gospel bat and you would turn around and thank me.

"Ooooh" I'd say, "I'm a gonna go preach to the nations." "I'm a gonna speak and write and people will flock to hear me tell a great story, and it's gonna be all for you God."  

Then God laughed. And told me to shut up.

Listen here God, I quit my job to enter into this ministry.  I gave up the comfort of a steady paycheck, bills paid on time, food in the fridge and gas in the car, and You're seriously telling me to shut up?  

Fine. I'll leave this silly ministry behind, go get another full time job...

What's that God?
My mom is sick? Dying you say?  
Yes - I'll take three months to care for her and prepare her for seeing you. Thank you for the time with her, Lord.

Say that again?
My husband is struggling? Needs my strength?
Yes - I'll take four part time jobs in order to work odd hours and support him. Thank you that he relies on me and renews my strength with his love and courage.

How's that?
My children need their mother at home? 
Yes - I'll take that tiny job working on the computer at midnight. Thank you that I can be home to tuck my kids in at bedtime and greet them in the morning with breakfast and a smile.

Sorry, God. I guess I couldn't hear You over all my doing. 

Bombastic
Obstreperous
Fustian

I'll whisper now, so I can hear You first. It always works better that way.

Lord, that I may have a small voice and a big life. Make my words few but strong. Remind me where I have been and continue leading me toward a righteous life filled with Your Spirit and Power. Humble me that I may give freely the grace and mercy You showed me - let love be the term that describes me from now on. Amen.